Boy Crazy.

The only thing worse that the tinge of guilt and tons of awkwardness you feel from not liking someone the same way they like you is liking someone too much. Let me define too much so that the lines are clear. It's when you spend more time online reading their Facebook page than you do thinking about what you're going to eat for dinner while at work. It's when you dissect and analyze their body language, word choice and general aura instead of breathing. It's when you can't talk around them because you are so dumbfounded by their presence you can't form coherent thoughts. In fact, you more than likely pause for a bit too long when you converse with them, this often results in their assuming you have mental deficiencies. Of course you're lack of ability to access that reservoir of information called your brain doesn't stem from biology, it stems from chemistry. A bit too much chemistry. Like in high school, if you go into a a class, or a courtship, without a handle on the material, or in this case yourself, more often than not you will flunk and your teacher, or potential mating material, will quickly disregard you and your intelligence.

I remember once I liked a boy so much that I spent a whole afternoon with him and his friends and said an average 5 words every hour. I spent more time freaking out about not having a thing to say that I did trying to think of something to say. And the kicker is that I would have done anything to have a chance with him and when he made his move, it was like he liked me more than I liked him. No first kiss will ever compete. Sorry boys.

He was a dream, everything I could ever want and a side of mac and cheese. And the thing is that before that kiss I was a normal person. I mean I liked him but I didn't make a fool of himself. I didn't stutter and puff up um my conversations um with um filler words. Um. I didn't check myself in the mirror to make sure I didn't have lipstick on my teeth. Sometimes despite the fact that I wasn't wearing lipstick. Before, I was my normal sarcastic, overly technical, overly inquisitive and slightly malicious self. Before, I could multi-task. In fact I remember on more than one occasion I talked myself up before I went over to his place. And one evening while watching Conan together I was so scared to move I got a leg cramp.

I'm not quite sure I ever learned anything from that experience but I catch myself a little better now. Instead of fretting during I fret in advance. I get as much of it out of my system as possible. I talk to as many as 4 or 5 friends about all my stupid paranoid sociopathic notations before I head in, that way there isn't one sole person who thinks I'm so banana's over a boy that I need neurologically altering medication just to be within a 100 feet radius of the poor boy. But I get a chance to say it out loud and hear my neurosis for myself. Life saving really.

And if that doesn't work I just fuck things up just so I can get over him quicker in hopes that I can maybe lower my blood pressure back to a normal level. Otherwise I'd already have heart disease.

Yours Truly.